People in love make me want to vomit
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
