Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
