she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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