this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
