i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
