shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
