Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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