I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
