I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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