it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She bit a glass in half.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
