too bad you live with your parents still
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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