You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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