just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
