He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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