My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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