my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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