I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
