What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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