You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
