I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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