Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
