i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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