Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
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And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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