his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
