I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
