You can't motorboat a personality
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My vagina just recognized that song.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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