Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
