dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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