So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
