I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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