I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
