Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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