great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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