bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
