Please, let me fuck your mom
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
