I just pynch a tree in the face
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
