Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
