I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My bed smells like the plague
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
