My underwear smells like fireworks.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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