i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
