i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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