Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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