Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I deserve this hangover.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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