apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
