She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
