It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
