can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
