Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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