i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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