My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
