i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
