Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
