GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
