I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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