I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
