So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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