Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
