Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
