I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
