apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
