Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
