You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
