Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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