highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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